baked_eskimo

so i wrote this to a friend....

2008-08-07T06:10:16Z

I appreciate your concern but the real issue i am sad is the worst, mostly because i dont know. I know stuff i should be sad about and i am, but i dont think they are what is causing me to have my sanity deteriorate before my very eyes. i should, by definition be the happiest girl alive, I have an amazing job i love and friends that will support and help me, but thats just it, i keep thinking that i have done this for two years, and done it well. I am no saint and i don't know why god gave me a second chance but i am gratefull. i could have been so much worse. I think think my real issue is i am waiting to wake up from this perfect life i am building away from the people who brought me down and relize that its a dream and i am gonna fuck something up accidently and the coast guard won't want me and then i will be on my own tying to figure things out. I thought i was sad because everything was falling apart like it used to but the real reason i guess is that i am afraid it will start to fall apart and i wont be able to stop it.

ok so typing that just helped me figure everything out and so i know that it wont make any sense when you end up reading it... and i plan on posting this as a blog... I feel like i just lifted a weight by putting it down in words

Thus so far..

2008-07-18T19:50:41Z

I know I have been ignoring blogging but I've been busy. As of lately things have been fast and I cant seem to get a hold of it. I cant seem to want to make things happen and i feel like things might be closing in around me. Don't get me wrong, the want in me is burning like the tires that i use to get the hell away all the time. Service Wides are coming up and its not going well, my family cant seem to get any better and the road to divorce looks dead ahead. Cause you know, my mom is such a great catholic!
So i want to look at him and tell him that he wont get old and everthing is new and groovy ,but my intrest wanes but my will does not. I feel like robert smith could write out my life and i would dance and cry because its the cure and i always do that at once when i hear his voice. I wish i even understood it. But when it comes down to it, its friday!

Too Much fun

2008-06-29T11:40:46Z

So I'm drunk and just got home, I'ts 3am and already the sun is rising. Anyway tonight was the first time i had been out and awhile. I was so nice to everyone which means I am keeping to my decision to be a better person. Maybe too nice though, maybe I confuse being nice with tring to sleep with people, But it's cool because I left early and stopped trusting myself to be nice. I have an awesome friend who won't let me go home with just anyone, and in turn another; she did'nt leave without me, and he is gonna find out how sweet karma can be one day. I hope. May peace find everyone

THAT Girl

2008-06-22T05:46:12Z

So it has come to my attention recently that I am a mean person. I did'nt even know that some of the shit i say was so hurtfull to others, but apparently I insult my friends for my own enjoyment, and that's really wrong. I feel terrible, In one night I managed to out one of my best friends in a room full of people and insult one of the nicest guys I know, the entire night. I told people I had just met that they were ugly and worthless. I crawled on the floor in front of a bunch of strangers and insulted anyone and everyone. Don't get me wrong, I paid my dues to the porcelain gods that night but nothing can excuse the way I acted to my friends and the only person I have met who is OK with my "condition". Many people are not speaking to me right now and it is doubtfull they will for awhile. But my issue is'nt that I got wasted and became "that girl" it's that even when I am sober I seem to think it ok to take stabs at people and thier faults. I was told today that i am "too blunt" and a "little harsh". I intend to change this and started out by apoligizing to my besty and a close friend. But I decided to be a nicer person in general, I need to be if i intend on having any friends. So from now on if I notice someone has a "potato chin" or a "bird chest" I will keep it to myself, not everybody needs to be put out like that and i know I wouldnt appreciate it if someone did that to me. So in closing, if i have offended you intentionaly or not I am sorry.

May he rest in peace

2008-06-14T23:18:50Z

Yesterday one of the best political journalist passed away, he was one of my favorites nad NBC and Meet The Press will no longer be the same. Tm Russert was a wonderfull man and his books made me think of just how important my father really is to me.

So This Is The begining

2008-06-14T01:53:34Z

I have now become a user of live journal much to my own dissapointment and the urging of certain friends back home. I am horrible at writing witty things, and if you wish to read something inspiring this is not the place. Here I will simply give commentary on my usually boring life and wonder how life is back in charlotte.
So about today, Leslie and i spoke for quite a while about nothing in particular which was nice, I am easily tired by having to carry on conversation about a specific subject that does not apply to myself or my lifestyle. Also it is nice to not have to talk about the drama that is Charlotte and how there is nothing I can possible do to make people change or get along. Something I think i learned along time ago but only now am I coming to terms with it. I also attempted to stop, or mediate a fight/internet war between two long time friends. I am done with choosing sides and will not if you ask me to. I like to think of myself as switzerland, i will have no part in your war. I really do wish it would stop though, it is rather tiresome to log onto the computer everyday and be beguiled by rants and raves of who is "fat" and who is a "whore" or "junkie". The way I feel is everyone has flaws and problems, they are they are the persons own and whom are we to judge them for their choices be them bad or good. Everyone learns in the end and they learn on their own, I did, and I know many others who have as well.
Moving on before I start to rant, today went well Mandi and I woke up early and got pedicures and our eyebrows done and it was nice to have a spa day, I am looking forward to having my nails back to where they used to be, if only it was'nt so damn expensive to maintain them in Kodiak. Damn this island, If I knew how to work the picture thing I would put them up.
Moving on, I watched Empire Records today which is one of my favorite cult classic films of the 90's and reminded me of my love of Pearl Jam and the Gin Blossoms and all things 90's.